Monday, September 20, 2010

Surrender

I don't know where to even begin this post...I just feel like I need to write this.

I haven't been to church in 6+ months. It's SO easy to fall out of the pattern of doing the right things, the feel good things, the things good for your soul and getting back into bad habits. For this I am not proud of. I guess it all started when my little Kainan was sick one weekend. And then it snowballed from there. EXCUSE=My husband was working, EXCUSE=I was tired, EXCUSE=too many "Christians" doing and saying things that I felt was hypocritical. We received cards and phone calls and postcards saying that we were missed. People that I didn't even know were calling me. But I felt it was all too much. That they were just trying to get me back in church!! I mean, who do they think they are!! Whoa!! Vanessa, LISTEN TO YOURSELF!!! What is so wrong with them wanting you in church?!?! Now, don't get me wrong, I absolutely consider myself to be a Christian. As a friend of mine stated today, I am Christian who hasn't fully surrendered to God. I KNOW I need to completely surrender to Him! I WANT to completely surrender to him. But I'm scared! Scared of what will happen if I do. (Even though I know that He only wants the best for me!) I guess partly because my husband has "issues" with God. He and his ex wife were married for 12 years. They have two beautiful daughters together. They went to church every Sunday...morning and evening service. Attended Wednesday evenings. They loved being part of a church family. Then, he joined the ARMY...and served a year in Iraq. During that time, his wife was unfaithful to him. And while he was still deployed in Iraq, she told him. Everything! Details and all! And he prayed about it...and prayed about it. (Of course, this is his side of the story, as we all know, there are two sides to every story.) He wanted to know why. Why God would let this happen to him. Why God would ALLOW for his wife to do the things she had. And to this day, it's hard for him to go to church. He doesn't want to be there. He goes because I want him there. I just keep hoping that someday The Lord will smack him with a dose of what he needs to hear and change things. [of course, we have to be in church for that to happen!, I know, stupid me, right!!] I have tried to give my husband explanation for the things that happened...prior to our meeting. I don't need to know WHY they happened, I just know that they did and that it was in God's plan for it to happen. Had it not, he and I wouldn't be married. Had we not gotten married, we wouldn't have a beautiful two year old, rotten to the core, but smarter every day son. {I'm proud, can you tell??}

Anyway, that is part of the reason that I've gone astray. And I do miss church every Sunday...not miss as in not attend, but miss as in my heart feels the burden and weight of not being there. I am not one that believes you have to sit in church on Sunday morning to consider yourself a Christian....but when my heartstrings are being tugged...I cannot ignore that!! Please say a quick prayer that my husband find the love for The Lord that he used to have!! [A HUGE thank you in advance!!!]

And to end this post...a great song that gets me to the alter every time we sing it...this song motivates me to be the Christian that I am not but that I want to be.

4 comments:

Elisa's Eyes said...

I will pray for your husband. I will pray that he gets "smacked" with the Lords love. God has a plan for him even though those terrible situations happened you and him would not be married and your son would not be here and I would not know you. You are a amazing person and I have learned a lot from you.

Ecclesiastes 11:5
As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, you can not understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.

Share this with him if he is willing to listen.

Amber said...

This link explains exactly what I would have said to you:
http://marriage-tips4women.blogspot.com/2010/09/understanding-how-men-think-my-husband.html

It's your job to take care of you, to take yourself to church, to pray for yourself and the things in your life. Then it is your job to take the kids with you and teach them to do the same. He is an adult who should be able to take care of himself. You married HIM exactly as he was, you didn't marry him just so you could change him.
I understand some of his 'anger' (for lack of a better term) to God. People do this all the time. They take things that happened in their lives that are bad and blame God. Why did he do this to me, why did he let this happen to us? God has a plan! You may not realize his plan and you may not understand his plan. That is not your job. Your job is to FOLLOW his plan, no matter what path it leads you down. He will always take care of you as long as you follow, believe, have faith, and give in to him.

My words of wisdom for your husband (got this from a friend the other day and it fits here):
"People make mistakes, not God."

SHE done that to him, not God. And you, you are not her. It's almost as if he is punishing YOU for what she did by not going because he has a 'beef' with God.

Did you use typical wedding vows when you got married? We did. Mine had words like 'We are here today – before God – because marriage is one of His most sacred wishes – to witness the joining in marriage of'.....' And now – through me – He joins you together in one of the holiest bonds.'
He's still holding on to what happened in a previous marriage. He vowed, in front of God, to take care of you and your family. That means he has to do that physically, emotionally, financially, AND spiritually.

Vanessa said...

Amber, I have several times told him "People make mistakes, not God." And I've never forced him to go with me. Talked a little about it this morning and found out that it isn't so much God he has issues with...but the church. Not The Church but our church. [Not that I would even be considered part of it anymore as I've missed so much!]

Thanks for the feedback!! Certainly appreciate it!! Always looking for more insight!

Amber said...

Well I am glad that he maybe gave you a little more insight as to what the issue was then. That is decently simple, find a new church. :) I know that really isn't simple in the fact of looking and finding, but at least that is an issue you guys can work on together. You have to agree on a church together and that may mean that you have to visit several, but eventually you will find one that feels right to you both.

We have some friends (husband and wife) that couldn't agree on a church. They attend church at their separate churches. For special events they will attend each others, but normal Sunday morning worships are not spent together. Whatever works. (they are older though, in their 60's)

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